Halo: Reach
"BWARGHHHH" - Elite on the Secret of life "DO A BARREL ROLL" - Peppy driving Noble Six to suicide "Get BACK IN THE KITCHEN" - Carter to Kat "WORT WORT WORT" - Elite on Elite Rights activists "We're DOOMED" - Marine on how they are going to get owned "DAMM IT BUNGLE, U SUCKZORZ AT M@KING GAYES!!!!!!1111ONE11111" - Kid on Bungie HALO: must REACH fire island(A.K.A freaking jet packs') '''is the latest game in the Halo series. It is also the last and now Halo will be given to Microsoft so they can throw it into a basement and anal rape it (AKA: Halo Legends). The reason why they dont want it is because their world domination plan sucked and got killed by 343 industries and know they will join Asstivision to make it like Modern Gayporn. It takes place on the planet Reach where you are attempting to keep the Covenant from messing up shit. You are a SPARTAN-III (for those who don't know, it is essentially the SPARTAN II project's retarded little brother retarded but people don't know the difference because These Spartan III's are wearing That Awesome Armor, instead of what they SHOULD be wearing (Crappy SPI Armor) but still, nobody gives a shit) and you have to fight through a bunch of enemies with your team of dumb-asses, who One by One get killed (And Teabagged) until the last level when you are the last one left, then you get your ass Stabbed in the face by a pimp that looks like R'tas 'Vadum or the testicle chins For some reason there is a bunch of awesome technology that you have never seen before like a rifle that fires needles and a single-shot human rifle that was destined to become the new MLG head shot weapon the moment that it was seen, everyone noobs bitched about. A new race appears on the side of the Covenant. The bastards look like the f*cked up offspring between Jackals and raptors (Known as: Turkyraptorz). They use the commonplace and very shitty overpowered Plasma Pistols, Lazorz and Needle Riflez but spend their lives hiding behind shields like their pussy cousins. The wort wort wort asses return again with more wort wort wort than ever before!!!!! It even includes new things like the legendary Grunt penis. Oh, and now dinosaurs are available as enemies, also, Monkeys are there, but usually only to fuck your shit up, meaning they are useless (But alot of the time, Rushing you and killing you, then Raping Teabagging you) Your Dumbass Team and people that get in your way Noble Team Your team is of course filled with stereotypical game soldiers who are Very Suicidal. Their roles...and Deaths.... Carter - The Bawss. He doesn't have to deal with roles of the team. Just to get the job done. As with all sergeants Commanders in every form of media ever, he doesn't seem to give a shit about Noble Team (Especially when he sees Kat, a Person he's worked with for nearly a decade, die) but rather, would love to be a Lone Wolf like Noble Sex, because of his Jealousy, he ordered Noble Sex NOT to go Lone Wolf EVER AGAIN, of course, once everyone was dead, Noble Sex didn't give a Shit at all. He was bald in the trailer for Reach and less "Handsome" then some how grew hair and morphed his face a few months later when the game came out (He was probably ridiculed for being bald and ugly so used some MAGIC Grunty potion to grow hair and morph his face), he decided to think his life over, realizing he is not making a difference in the war, rather he is getting in the way, he Commited Suicide by ramming his Pelican into the closest Mod that shouldn't be there, Scarab, killing him, his death was wasted, as the Scarab survived, and would later participate in every Battle in the Human-Covenant war, until later killed my Meester Cheef on tee level: C0\/E/\/@/\/1. Kat - The only girl (Or depending on Gender, the only Shemale) on the Noble Team. She had an explosion that lost her arm in a firefight. In other words, she has a THING for being the alternative boss of the team. Shot in the face, survived. Shot in the leg, survived. Shot in the hole.Survived. Shot somewhere else. Survived. Raped by an Elite. lived, Impregnated, commited Suicide. Jun - Teh Snipzorz. He's a very talkative person, with an accent that can crack a rock --Relate to yourself-- but also the unskilled sniper of the Noble team. And just be clear: he has a scout helmet on if you're wondering of Recon, but most n00bs won't care, and Jun will receive millions of texts asking "CAN I HAZ RECONZ?"...Ran off from Noble Team like a n00b, he was last heard at McDonalds under the name "June". Everyone wants to hump him. Only guy to not die in Reach, but it is highly likely he commited Suicide afterwards. Jorge - The Heavy Weapons Guy That Nobody Loves. It's important to mention he used to be in the same league as Master Chief, but now must work with Shitty Spartan III's. He's very similar to chief but the only difference is that he LOVES Talking with little Girls telling them it will be alright, and taking them into a Quiet...locked Room... taking down Elites with teh brute force or freaking rape interrogation. The usual for Noble Team, he also loves getting in the way of Noble Sexes shots (Alot of times, saving the enemy) Died when he tried to make toast in the bath tub to detonate the bomb with no bomb experiance what-so-ever, pronounced dead when Kat saw his body floating in space. Emile - Designated Noob-pwner Grunt. A hard-headed Stupid retard companion, who thinks hes better then everyone(Not important in ways unexplainable). Likes knives. He's also a wannabe Ghost. Evidence: carved a fucking skull in his helmet (like a Ghost), tries to be all scary (like a ghost) but nobody really gave a shit, so they just went along with it, Stabbed in the back like a dumbass (obviously, he didn't look at his Radar) Lived, Commited Suicide after realizing Six (The biggest Idiot on the planet) was the only one left. You (Suck) - Noble Sex is your current name. Little is known about him/her/IT. --Further Research shows Noble Sex is a grunt really....still looking into more research-- It is interesting to note that he's/she's/IT'S to n00bish to be a Spartan III, let alone a Human being.....he/she died by getting stabbed in the balls, it really hurt! face, Like a noob/nooblet (Depending on your Gender) he is renowned as the only member of Noble Team who wasn't Suicidal. People that get in your way '''Linder' - the Spartan in the cyro...in the same tube as Cheef Cheef - The Spartan in the cyro...in the same tube as Linder Arbiturd - Secretly disguised as a Grunt that you see running away Sergeant Major Avery "Magic" Johnson - not in the game, but he is! Army Guyz- usually dying the moment they lay there eyes on the pure awesome-Sauce that is a grunt Marine Guyz - usually seen at the end of a game, they are the same as those Army guyz, except with a different skin Captain Jacob Sacagawea Chuck Norris Keyes - Takes Cortana from you, pushes you off the Pillar of Autumn and fucks off (he is the reason you are dead, and the Reason AIDZ got released in the first place....) Gunnery Private Buck - That guy from Halo 2: ODST Tarter Sauce - he is one of the many Brutes you DON'T Kill. Testical Chin - The one behind the fall of teh Reaches RLL Development {{quote|USE BOMBS WISELY| Peppy to Noble Sex]] Bungie keep claiming they've been working on this since they finished Halo 3. The fact they only started showing us content since a few months ago is a... coincidence......... If I claim otherwise I fear I may become victim of the Bungie slingshot apocalypse. The engine of the game will be the same as the first hoola hoop game. It includes new little dinosaurs in gameplay , and probably some form of AIDS will be there too. Monkeys will also be in the fight, but as troops and not as shitty shit throwing leaders. In SSSSE3 (Stupidly Stubbly Shitty Shit Event 3, the other 2 were unknown, rumors have it, anyone who attended were raped) , we viewed a shitty Campaign portion. It was obvious that Bungie had finally developed the death of Halo with: A very shitty rip-off of Starfox!, IT IS ORIGINAL! but in the end of really long boring campaign IGN and every reviewer gave the game a 10.666, because they were raped by M$, blind by Truth and Logic, Testical Chin of Truths shot Bungie Employee Marcus LEEEEEEETOAD 3 times Marcum's death was announced 1, 1, 2554, 546 years after his death, the Docters didn't know what the hell happened Plot Of course, the story begins as Noble Sex has been fired from the Krusty Krab, so he joins Nible Team, hoping for his life to be easier, he realizes his whole team is comprised of idiots and Suicidal bastards, Noble Sex realizes he will die at the end of all this Winter Contingency MAHN! "Colonal Halbone, the Covenant are on Reach, THEY'VE FOUND THE DRUGS" - Carter to Colonal Holland This level involves Noble Team looking for some n00bs who got owned by Rebels (people that suck) but realize the covenant has found the Home mahn, and have come to fuck shit up, so Noble team fucks off like a bunch of pussies (with Kat almost dying), they inform that one guy tat tee covenant are on teh Reaches, teh level ends Oni: Sword Base (A Base for swords) First off, Noble Sex only came to OSW to boost his stats, but Noble Team decides to actually do something right and attempt to save Oni (Office of Shit Bucks) Sword Base, but "ACCIDENTALLY" Kill everyone (Noble Sex did it all on Purpose) by the end of the mission, the Team meets Professor Doctor Master Johnathon Halsey Catherine, who wants to throw Noble Team in jail because they did something, everyone leaves, calling PDMJH Catherine gay, Noble Sex almost shot her. 'Nightfall (Night falls when your dead)' a Sniper mission with Jun A2666, who alerts every enemy on the map, it ends with Noble Team learning the meaning of life.....and not telling anyone Tip of the spear (Spears with tips) THINGS GET DOWN, first, Noble Sex and Kat crash, then some idiot marines try to be cool and do the same, only to crash and burn, dying, Noble Sex grabs a Grenade LAWN CHAIR and fires at two banshees and misses, Kat is blasted off the cliff, and Noble Sex blows up AA (A'sshole '''A'ir 'G'uns) and then meets up with Jorge, who tells him to fuck off, Noble Sex kills 20 Army dudez, and decides to go to teh Spirez, they crash, Jorge dies, and Noble Sex lives, but realizes Jorge lived and Contiplates Suicide....at the end, teh Spirez is asploded Long Night of Solace (Very Deep solace) "Press Right Trigger + Left/Right/Up/Down on the Control Stick to DO A BARREL ROLL" - Peppy Explaining the Controls to Sex You need to blow up the Ship called Long Night of Very Very Very Very Deep Solace of Suicidal Elites, First the mission starts with Noble Team (Minus Emile and Jun who thought it was gay to go on this mission) move out, they get inside teh Building, and a Giant spaceship is waiting for Jorge and Noble Sex, they get in, a Star Fox Mini-game begins and ends 10 Minutes later, Jorge brings a BOMB on the Ship, shouting "I AM SICK AND TIRED, OF THESE MOTHER FUCKIN COVENANT, ON THIS MOTHERFUCKIN REACH" Noble Sex jumps off the ship as Jorge detonates the bomb, Commiting Suicide, Noble Sex survives the 1000 Mile fall, and grabs a PISSTol, and readies for the next mission. Exodus (WTF?) The Introduction of monkeys in teh gayme, these guys are messing shit up, killing those Innocent rapists and useless army dudes, you kill them, and by the end of the mission, nothing new has happened New Alexandria (Alex and Anderia) Noble Sex meets up with Carter to tell him Jorge is dead, Carter doesn't give two shits and tells Noble Sex to do a bunch of pointless tasks, such as Rescuing Gunnery Private Buck, Killing Jammars, and saving Kat, at the end of the mission, every Noble Guy is sitting talking like a Sitcom, until the Covenant get sick of watching the sitcom and try to Glass the area, but fail, Kat and all the Spartans run to a Bunker to get safe from the glassing, but Kat is shot in the head like a bitch, Noble Sex leaves her body, she lives, but is raped, multiple times and commits Suicide The Package (Porntana) Noble Team is ordered to blow up Sword Base, they happily agree, killing Civilians, Marines, Elites, TurkyRaptorz, Turkies, But unable to kill Grunts without the tankz, Noble Sex meets up with Emile, Carter, and Jun, who are killing everything in sight (Almost killing Sex) when Carter realizes that he is gay, he tries to molest Jun, but instead finds out a Secret Base, Professor Doctor Master Johnathon Halsey Catherine orders them to protect her lab, they don't, and Halsey gives Noble Sex Porntana (Cortana's retarded sister) to give to Captain Jacob Sacagawea Chuck Norris Keyes for extraction from REEEAACCCHHHHH The Pillar of Autumn (Same name as Halo CE first level, probably ran out of names) Carter thinks over his life, realizing he ain't doing a damn thing in this war, rather getting in the way, pushes Sex (who grabs Emile) off the ship, and ramms it into a Nearby Scarab (which lives) Sex and Emile (The last ones left) go through a series of Covenant soldiers (Millions upon Millions) SOMEHOW managing to get to the pillar of Autumn Noble Sex gives Porntana to Captain Jacob Sacagawea Chuck Norris Keyes who takes it to the pillar of autumn, Noble Sex follows him in, But as soon as Emile is stabbed, Captain Jacob SCN Keyes pushes Sex off the ship, Sex must then defend the Pillar of Autumn, which Escapes, leaving Noble Sex for dead Lone Wolf (Disobeying orders FTW) Emile realizes Noble Sex (The biggest idiot on the planet) is going to die before him, he kills himself, Noble Sex watches as MILLIONS of Covenant come to kill him (They could've used that Army on the Master Cheef, but they don't) Noble Sex runs around, Finding 1'''3 Dead Spartans who sucked and got killed easily, Noble Sex is overwhelmed by those Stupid Elites, and killed, his helmet somehow got thrown into a Mountain, then 60 years later, it is still there, Intact from the glassing, the story ends where it began, and Bungie basically says "SCREW YOU, now go buy Halo 1, WHICH ISN'T IN STORES ANYMORE" The End......? Multiplayer Anyone who thinks that reach is like MW2 should be reminded that they suck massive Grunty Balls. Armor abilities replace equipment and load outs only occur in very specific modes (meaning Every Mode). Now returning to Multiplayer, Blood Gulch, being remade for the 3rd time now....except in a big shittier map Called FARGE WARLD, featuring a Hidden MOAR Krabs on the map, who displays messages in the sky, as he says moar, all objects fall into pieces. Multiplorer is the same as Halo 3, without Grunts, but many of the players are too high to even realize that without there Grunt Rapists Leaders, they are souless, but they fill the void by Assassinating someone, Teabagging them, then Arm0r Bagging them Other crappy games Include *R3gul@r $1@y0r *1337 Slayer (Slay dem 1 *337s) *N00b $1@y0r (Different in every aspect from Regul0r $1@y0r) *$\/\/@1 (n00bs go here for hawks and hacks....) *Headfucker *Oddballz (Kill the guy with the odd Balls) *Stockcum (Stock your cum in that goal, or you will lose) *Capture the Homo (Covered in Butter) *Firefight (endless waves of bored Grunts) BUT now you can make yourself invincible and can have unlimited rockets, though its not exciting as it should be because the brutes are there, and l33ts too (Monkeys=dumbasses, 1337=Fucking n00bs) but you can DISABLE that too, and Fight...you guessed it: NOTHING *Score Attack: You should only pick Sniper Attack, in Gruntpocalypse Grunts and there Gruntiness will END you the moment you spawn, but this is good, because you SUCK anyway. *INVAAAASSSSSIOOOONNNNNNN: Everyone quits, leaving you to get owned by anyone left. *CO-OP CAMPAIGN: Must be 3 years old to enter, Full of Lt.Colonals who think they are gods amoung Grunts, only to get owned by a Grunt the following Second, tea-bag them with Pride for fellow grunts (Unless you are one, then Bow down to every single Grunt you meet, only then will the GODS Forgive you) *@r3n3 $1@y0r: Again, full of faggots who think they are awesome as grunts, but really suck worst then a Monkey Faggot. and many, MANY, MANY, MAANNNYYYY other Gametypes you don't give two shits about. Most of multiplayer consists of full-grown men who payed 160$ for a Flaming Helmet, making them Sniper fodder retarded, but you do get to look Badass more retarded then a Brute in the process, .Most n00bs thing they are awesome with the Flaming helmet and proceed to Tea-bagging you, when you kill one, Tea-bag them (You mad?) most people with flaming helmets are invincible, Rumors claim the Flame is fueled by Gruntiness, but because all the n00bs have it, it is confirmed false, all Grunts use Gruntflame a Powerful version that gives them Immortality and the ability to ban players at will, providing balance to the game. Noobs are back, but they suck even more at the game. They think the grenade launcher/pro pipe is a good weapon and will use it ALL the time, they don't know that when you fire the damn thing the nade just bounces off anything it hits (who builds explosives like that?). PWN them in this simple process *Step 1- Wait for them to fire nade launcher. *Step 2- Kill them when the nade bounces off your face and hits a member of the noobs team. Most maps consist of Shitty Remakes or Forged levels (Bungie R Fery Cweative) only one is actually featured in the Campaign, Farge Warld, but nobody really notices and jumps to conclusions (uhhh, that Spartan in the Cyrotube on the Pillar of Winter is obviously a Grunt, not Linder, Cheef, or Arbiturd) that Farge warld is not in the campaign and that every other map is Maps: Farge Warld X6, Crappy Remakes X9001, Shitty forged maps X1,000,000 *Remember kids, only Grunts can prevent Forest fir---wait what? I mean, Only Grunts can make awesome maps 'Multiplayer BETA' The multiplayer BETA sucked. Consisting of N00b Tubes, Rawket Lawn-Chairs, and screaming 10 Year-olds (It's Modern Gayporn 2 all over-again....cept without the Porn...or Gays....) it ended on May 20th, thereby sending all COD trolls back to there caves to wait for the games release, but while they wait, they are secretly raped by Brutes. Custom Firefight It was confirmed In E3 that the awesome game mode known as FIREFIGHT (aka the only reason anyone bought ODST) will return. It is odd that The Covenant will waste THOUSANDS of soldiers trying to kill up to 4 worthless Spartan III's. (Still not sending as much against Master Chief, The son of a bitch who kills them ALL. Still a Conspiracy) It will serve no purpose what so ever, and people will stop playing It after a week (Except the boosters). At C0m1c C4wn, it was announced noobs could play as the covenant and betray them (aka a complete ripoff from left 4 dead). Also, you can use the overpowered new forklift as a vehicle, and it will probably break the game. Also, if you suck at hula hoop games (which you do), noobs can make themselves invincible with custom firefight options, but most people just use it to get the 6 Achievements you are all0wed to get in Custom Firefight, other than that, only three people play it.. but it is the stupidest thing since whoretana. Even though Bungie says they want to make firefight more open, they probably just want to give Microsoft a head start with them shoving the series up their vagina. It also has Matchmaking.....wait....Matchmaking is comprised of four people, but as soon as the game starts, atleast one - three people will quit, leaving you to get raped Owned by the Grunts and their Gruntiness. Firefight Matchmaking/Custom game modes and there purpose *Regular Firefight: Getting raped by anything on the map that can kill you, and in the last round you ether fight 500 General 1337's, or 50 Hunters who are now VERY Overpowered (But still not as strong as Grunts?) *Rocket Lawn-chair Fight: Boosting in regular matchmaking, but anyway, they gave you a ROCKET LAWN-CHAIR with Infinite Ammo, and you get to fight all the helpless soldiers (Only Grunts manage to kill you) *Generator Defense: Remember that Crap game in the BETA? Network Test bull? well this is what it evolved into, a GAY Firefight mode (wow) *Score Attack: Fight each race, one at a time, first 1337's, then Monkeys, Then Turkeyraptorz, Then Turkeys, then the Supreme Overlords, GRUNTS, Survive and you get....nothing. *Sniper Fight: Same as Score attack, cept you got Unlimited ammo for Everything *Gruntpocalypse: Fighting endless waves of Grunt overlords....sounds fun? In a nutshell, nobody plays any of this, and just use Firefight to boost, HOORAY???? How to boost in Firefight *Start a Score Attack game *Pick Gruntpocalypse *In Gruntpocalypse just get headshots *Repeat *???? *PROFIT!!!!! Leaks, Receptions, Reviews, and shit nobody cares about Halo Reach was leaked 100 days before release, because Micro$oft decided to put the game on the market place for 1 Micro$oft point, Millions of people got the game, and Millions were kil...I mean....banned from Xbox Live for 33333333333133333 Years resulting in mass Chaos The game received Negative reviews, as all Gaming reviewars gave it a 2/10 (the only thing they liked were the Grunts and there Gruntiness) a gamer by the name of Something spreaded rumors of Jar Jar binks in Halo: Reach, star wars fans rushed to the situation, but it was confirmed false (COUGHTHEMOAAREJARSJARSCOUGHHACKHOUGH) Trivia *It only took Three days for n00bs to figure how to boost in Reech (They vewy smaut) *it only took 1 day for someone to get 200 Million credits (and only ONE human has done so (He died shortly though), The others were Grunts high on Methane) *There is no Arbiturd on Reach because reach is considered less important then Harvest (for reasons un-explained) *There was already pr0n of Halo: Reach before the game was even announced *All the missions take 3 hours to complete on Legendary (except the last level, which takes 3 Seconds) *Every single halo Hatorz cumed 0ut of teh holes to assaultz Halo Reach (because they couldn't even kill a l33t) *Everyone blames bungie when dying in Reach, even the marines who are suspiciously named after Bungie Employees and guys from that 1 Machinima *One of the Forge World remakes, Blood Gulch, has the bases on THE WRONG SIDE, therefore, the game is garbage and you shouldn't even bother with it.